On Repeat: Rihanna-Question Existing

Why did I even bother...
I was ok! I really was...
and then everytime I find myself
beginning to accept my situation,
despite it's short-comings...
some outside force always comes
in and changes that...
One of the many perks of being

young, naive, and gullible.

iloveyou's were meant for the stories

you read in your childhood.

I'm no princess, so I don't know why the

hell I expected Prince Charming to

sweep me off my feet and carry me

off into the sunset. I let someone

get the best of me and guess what,

I'm still the nobody I was before

I met him and after he asked me

to be his 24/7...Hope is a big ass

misconception. But it's my own fault

for wearing such a big heart on my sleeve.

Now it's quite broken.

I must be undeserving of happiness,

love or any form of ecstacy for

that matter. Things aren't meant

to be...things just happen. Yesterday...

I wore a smile and I held my chin up and

I was ready to make shit happen but

I can't do that because I'm stuck on this

fucking emotional rollercoaster...

I tried to avoid the tears that

are falling now. I tried to avoid

last nights sleepless night. I tried

to avoid today's loss of life. I'm up

one day and then I'm down the next. Now

my poor defenseless heart holds fear

and just quivers with every waking thought

of you.

I don't know where to go from here.

I fell in love and hit rock bottom. Luckily

for him, he fell out. Kashmir,

your "all" doesn't make the cut.

it's not good enough, your not good enough

and you'll never be,

worth loving.

Yeah, I can take a hint.

lone star.

Ok?!...so maybe it is over...haha [not really laugh'n].
This was something I feared going back into it.
Maybe this was the mistake we was learning from
[getting back together]. Life is weird...and sometimes
I'm among the ungreatful. Yeah, I complain about how
unfulfilling life can be, but you live and you learn. One
time I called love a heart degrading disease. That was my
discription for heartbreak, haha, but I think I'm going to be ok...
suffering is optional. Love walked out on me lask week...I died last
week...I cried last week, but not this time. This time I'm going
to do things a little differently...I'm not going to hold everyone else
accountable for the mistakes we made. I still have a family
and friends that love and care for me...so I'm not at a great loss.
But best believe, I'm still quite in love with you...regardless of your
loss of affection for me. I'm sorry I can't be everything that you
wanted in life, I don't really know what you wanted from me, I'm sorry
I [unknowingly] added to the many stressors of your life, I'm
sorry I bored your heart to stone. And all the good times weren't
just in 2007, true 08 had alot of downs but we had good times...
you just lost sight. I'm not blaming your for anything either...thats life
and shit happens. I understand that your still growing and trying to
figure yourself out. I know you think I don't but believe me I do...
You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Just do me a favor...don't lose yourself, your stronger than that.
Everybody is changing with the season. Life is inconsistent and
temporary...so i'm not going to dwell on the old stuff now.
New Chapter, Same story.

Disrupted Ventilation

suicide in it's dilatory form. Inhale...
the cancerous psychological effects that
rot your insides out. Exhale life and
distort your ventilation. Everything turns
hazy and unclear. With the menthol kiss on
your lips and your never ending love affair
turned obsession with the nicotine crave.
The habit turns into clockwork. And you can't
count the minutes to your next hit or how
long will it take to get a quick fix. I'm not
addicted...just trapped. Everything is so un-
fulfilling...so you keep going back for more
and more...until there is no more left. Your
health depreciates. Once is too many and a
thousand is never enough.

Almost everyone finds theirselves lost in

some sort of addiction. And overtime you learn

that too much of something isn't always good for you.

I wrote this because somebody I know is

addicted to cigarettes. I see her struggle everyday

and it hurts me because I have no power

in the situation...

I wish I could do something.

And no I'm not that much of a hypocrite.

I don't smoke...I'm quite against

the smoker fad. If I find breath harder

to grasp when I'm exposed to second hand smoking,

just imagine it first hand...

I'd rather pass on that one.

Morning Thoughts

My sheets are scattered across my mattress and my pillows are just as sporadic. And I, seemingly lifeless, lay beneath the covers gaining thought. The light of sunrise is painting the walls of my bedroom with it's modest rays that manage to dance through my window. The light is gently filtered through my comforter as intense thoughts perform a fast paced fox trot past the temporal and frontal lobes of my brain. Bringing a cease to my R.E.M. rejuvenation, I'm finally awake...not yet attentive but mindful. Dreams that were forgotten have now plagued my conscious state.

Unit C Skill Review

They deamed this particular course madatory

This room is so damn cold

The lesson is long and boring

The teacher: his head is balding..

thining out and gray.

My mind has turned into mush.

Between the time of 1:55-3:10,

it goes in one ear and out the other.

The clock is the only thing that has my attention.

Almost a half hour left and I have

yet to put an end to my humdrum state of being.

Stuck in this chair with pen to paper...

I'm supposed to be taking notes but

I'll look them up later.

I'm rather unfocused and distracted...

just twenty more to go!

My stomach, so empty.

My mind is wondering,

my eyes are strained.

This class is so colorless and boring.

Autumn

Staring at Autumn through this pane of
glass...Only three days old and shes already
beautiful by definition. She's quiet and I
can only sit and admire her suttle ways...
her quiet whisper, her cooling breath.

My Grandma Said...

we don't know how to break up...we've been together too long.

So in so many words Emckuh has reunited...again, September 21, 2008.

Keyon Keith Anubis Frazier

2 months old.

Artistic Expression

it's a work in progress...Something I plan on

finishing. I'm borderlining complete; I'm just in

need of some more finishing touches...

The Trio Reunited...

Big Boobie Cuties...such a handful

So seductive...too hot to handle.

Kash+B+Kelz="The Trio"
Today we hung out at Kelly's house . . .
we went to the chinese store and we did the
obvious . . .ordered food. haha Brandon forced
us to watch several Rickey Smiley Youtube
videos, Kelly served Capri Suns, and I...umm?!
well I...?!; watched vids and drunk Capri Suns....
Oh yeah...I'm responsible for providing the camera.
haha.

Gotta Love Mi Buddies.

is this really good-bye...

Now Playing: Hollywood Undead-Knife Called Lust

"...and I fall to the ground with my teardrops and I get lost every time my heart stops"

Montaged Memories

I want this to be the last blog I post as far as the break up goes. So, today would be day #6 since we went our seperate ways. Tomorrow makes the first full week of the break up. And as Rafael Casal says"6 more years to go." So far everyday, when I wake in the morning, I've asked myself "is it really over?" . . .Hopefully in the future we'll meet and try again. But if not, I no longer cry because it's over...I smile because it happened. And I just want him to know that I'm still in love with him...more than he'll ever understand. And he will always be my Papito.

Alone still feels the same but only this time...it hurts alot worse than what it did before Love left it's footprints across my heart and out of my life...

College Girls;

We act silly sometimes but it's what we do best.

and today it hit me...

it was pronounced deceased September 13, 2008.

Emckuh that is...I liked to have considered it as something

that was living...it thrived off of love, art, and creativity.

And not to mention going against common standards...

something I like to call romanticism. That night, I couldn't

make my way to sleep...but I did find myself crying into

the wee hours. The first week of a break up?! Wow, this would

be considered day #2 huh?! It sucks but hearts are destined

to be broken I guess, its the way of life? I really don't know.

Many people say "it couldn't possibly happen to me", and I

know I was probably the main one singing it loud and proud.

But life has it's ways of proving you wrong and making an

ass out of you. Looking back...I don't know if there was anything

I would consider doing differently. I think I did pretty well

for my part...but maybe not good enough. Who knows?

Falling in love...boy i'll tell ya! haha Investing so much emotion

in one person might not be a good investment, or is it? Don't

get me wrong...I don't regret my year and eight months of love

and happiness. Some of my brightess smiles shined during that

time...but in the end, after the break up; tears flood those memories

with pain of heartbreak. We didn't depart on bad terms but . . .the

friendship can't be what it was, then the memories and smiles have to

go in a box, the bracelet comes off, etc.

We have to turn now and go seperate ways . . .

because casual would just hurt to much;

plus it would be rather impossible to put such a false limit on love.

So now whats a girl to do??? Right now,

I'm going to mourn...I have too! A part of me is dying,

I seriously feel like i'm missing something.

The sad part is that; I know what I'm missing...

This may seem like some sort of exaggeration.

Believe me its not...I fell in love with my bestfriend and now I have

to put an "ex" on his title...Sure we're friends; but from a distance.

But I must rise from my ashes. In due time I'll be ok.

I'm not interested in finding love with

another, or fall to some sort of attachment. What for? It would just be

a waste of time. I'm gonna miss that guy; but

for right now, its for the best...

well that's what I keep trying to tell myself...

Keep Hope Alive...

we're not going to make it...
are we?

My Unbiological Sister.

Kelly Lee Ann.

In appearance we're probably complete opposites but in all straightness we compliment each other. That bestie and bestfriend title can't even label who you are to me. Yeah sometimes we fight, argue, profainly name each other, and sometimes ignore the magnitude of each others problems...but in the end we are there for each other no matter what. We do things the way we know best and its nothing wrong with that...even if its as simple as chilling in a room talking and listening to music. Your honeslty like the only one who has mastered me. You know which smiles are fake and you instantly know when somethings wrong, without me even saying a word. You'll forever be in my heart...I love you babes.

Public Transportation pt. 2

For some strange reason, I like to write about my commute to and from school. Its quite the experience. I see hunderds of different faces; some I see on a daily basis because they are consistent commuters like myself. And some faces, I will probably never see again. Most of them, the majority, most likely all of them I will forget. Now I know that I'm probably over analyzing the situation and please excuse my persistance but its in my nature to wonder. Where is the elderly woman going...juggling her hand bag and what seems to be a lunch bag? What could possibly be going through the mind of the man wearing a suit carring a brief case and coffee? Where is the single-mother of 2 going mid day...with her two little ones trailing behind? What stop will seperate us? My mind ponders the thought.

Annoyed.

I can't roll with the sadity and pretty.

The chameleon-like biters.

The artificially made barbie dolls.

The ever so talentless, would be divas.

The fashion stalkers and style stealers.
The everyday evil-doers called conformists.
Those who are too confused; who misuse and
abuse the concept of originality.
They try so hard to fit in because they
don't know how to stand out. Don't

vandalize what someone else created and try

to print your name on it. Get a life!...

your own.

College Life;

How do I like it so far?

Well...being a commuter has it's

ups and downs; like everything else

in life. I really like it. I've been

anticipating this moment for as

long as I can remember! I spend most

of my time either posted in this here

blue chair or in the computer lab; both

of whom can be found in the Iadarola

building which is the science and tech-

nology building on Cabrini's campus.

School is def pop'n haha. Its going to

take some getting used to with the whole

inconsistent schedule but hey! I am such a

college girl now!

my power. my pleasure. my pain.

I'm beginning to sink deeper and deeper into what I guess is a state of depression. I feel like i'm trying to look for my reflection in murky water...it's getting me nowhere. I never really took the time to consider that I might have to lose the person that I fell in love with or that one day he could possibly break my heart. Well...actually I have but I never felt the need to entertain that thought. Many believe that love shouldn't hurt but it does. When did we get here?; to this place of uncertainty. I think I'm being punished for the things I took for granted a year ago...right now I would give anything to have it back. I feel so lost at the moment...so lost; that I find complexity in trying to explain it. This is the lonliest I've ever been in my entire life. I'm surprised I gathered enough strength to stop crying. I find myself now trying to detach myself from him. Why? I guess it's a defense thing that I've unconsciously developed, where I try to please the other person by seperating them from the likes of me . . .in this case it's not helping me out much at all. But at least he's ok...because he doesn't need somebody like me in his life to bring him down or hold him back. It hurts really bad though and I can just feel my heart breaking. It hurts :[

Hopelessly Devoted To The Thought Of You . . .

I'm wondering the streets of nowhere, with stress raining down on me . . . .
Lost in the confusion of ME, confused in my ignorance of you. My words
and actions will be forever meaningless and worthless, heard and
misinterpreted by you. Can't stop the tears from falling, can't seem to do
anything right, well at least my wrists are smiling.


The one who I thought knew me the best makes me feel like a stranger.
I'm crying out for you, can you hear the crack and anguish of my voice?
You barely turn to me and with an irritated manner; you say,
"Give Me Space . . .Its Whatever...". I reach out for a hand, pleading for
some sort of comfort and my request is denied. When I needed you, you
wasn't there.


Maybe things will change?!

Mentally Uncertain. Perplexed.

Temporary Insanity: I anticipate

I'm not much of anything but he seems to think other-
wise. But nevertheless, my actions will never speak
louder than their words: Maybe things will change...
I can stuff my bra with hope and runaway with the
thought but one problem: there is no where else to go.
I'm a nobody, so I'm just making up things as I proceed.

Sadness...

Something I'm alittle too familiar with.
There's gotta be more to life than;
stress and tears...

From sugar to shit;
it never fails.

Fresh Meat pt.2

The CABRINI clique:

Mary-Jane Monday

Thong Tuesday

Wallie Wednesday

Thirsty Thursday

Freak Jawn Friday

Supercalafragalisticespialladocious Saturday

Skeet Skeet Sunday

2 weeks in...

and there is already drama.

Just the beginning to

the w i l d years . . . .

[I made up most of the shit but you'd be surprised...]

The prelude to something like forever.

I used to fear that this feeling would just be

a mere figment of my childish imagination.

Nothing so genuine could be humanly possible.

Fairytales only existed in books and unrealistic

dreams lacked potential. I drowned myself in

doubt that somebody like you even held an

existance. I honestly never expected to fall as

hard as I did. But I did and for that, there is no

complaint. Many may not understand; you, me,

I or us. But little do they know, we're the only

ones that are making sense and it's them who

are disoriented. Distance only makes the heart

grow fonder and in the long stretch, I only see

you at the end of the road. I'm in love with you

and nothing is going to change that.

Forever and not a day less.

iloveyou; Papito.

[smooches]

Caffine Crash.

My mind is stimutated...maybe
alittle more than it normally
is. Its hard to function after
crashing like I did last night.
Intoxicated. Stumbling. Making
my way to my feet. Too much of
something can't be good for you.
Nothing seems to make sense. My
vocabulary turns into rambling
slurs of mush. My body grows
tired, heavy, limp. [Sleep].
Wake me up. I'm losing my grip.
The bad thing is...
I like the feeling.

Magical Garden.

my walk through the magical garden;

Photographer: Marcus.

Public Transportation

5 days out of the seven day week, I commute to and from Cabrini College.

In the morning, the "vessel" is jam packed with other commuters lacking personal transportation for whatever reason I am unaware. I managed to get a seat by myself but I know this ever so pleasant solitude will most likely get interrupted by someone who couldn't arrive at a more reasonable time and get their own seat, instead they decided to be tardy and invade my personal space. Maybe it'll be the elderly woman reading her bible preaching the good word to who ever is willing to listen, or maybe it'll be the the quiet prima donna who is just too good to be in such a predicament as to ride septa. Or it could be the old guy, who smells like raw tobacco and nicotine....he didn't even bother to try and cover it up with mints or maybe a squirt or two of cologne. Anyways, whoever it is, i don't want them next to me. Don't get me wrong, public transportation is a great invention, and has been around way before my conception; So for that I am thankful. But if you ask me the seating arrangement is a bit "too close for comfort". No Eating, Drinking, Loud Music, Space, etc.

I need a license and a car.