my power. my pleasure. my pain.

I'm beginning to sink deeper and deeper into what I guess is a state of depression. I feel like i'm trying to look for my reflection in murky water...it's getting me nowhere. I never really took the time to consider that I might have to lose the person that I fell in love with or that one day he could possibly break my heart. Well...actually I have but I never felt the need to entertain that thought. Many believe that love shouldn't hurt but it does. When did we get here?; to this place of uncertainty. I think I'm being punished for the things I took for granted a year ago...right now I would give anything to have it back. I feel so lost at the moment...so lost; that I find complexity in trying to explain it. This is the lonliest I've ever been in my entire life. I'm surprised I gathered enough strength to stop crying. I find myself now trying to detach myself from him. Why? I guess it's a defense thing that I've unconsciously developed, where I try to please the other person by seperating them from the likes of me . . .in this case it's not helping me out much at all. But at least he's ok...because he doesn't need somebody like me in his life to bring him down or hold him back. It hurts really bad though and I can just feel my heart breaking. It hurts :[